You are about to spend a month hearing commentators say “South American flair” like it explains anything. It does not. So let me, a man who grew up inside that football, give you the real guide to the six CONMEBOL teams at this World Cup. Because if the All Whites exit early (touch wood, touch every wood available), you will need a second team, and I intend to recruit you properly.

Argentina: the champions, and the farewell

The defending champions, in Group J with Algeria, Austria and Jordan. This is Lionel Messi’s sixth World Cup, a record, and almost certainly his last. He turns 39 during the tournament and arrives managing a hamstring, which has 46 million Argentinians doing breathing exercises. Here is what you need to understand: Argentina without peak Messi is still ferocious, because Scaloni built a team, not a shrine. Watch them at 1pm NZT on June 17 against Algeria. Watch the anthem. You will understand the entire continent in 90 seconds.

Brazil: the eternal favourite with homework to do

Group C, against Morocco, Scotland and Haiti. And before you laugh at Haiti, please remember they put four past the All Whites last week, so a little respect. Brazil are always favourites because they are Brazil, five stars on the shirt and a production line of forwards that never stops. The question, as always in the modern era, is the midfield balance and whether the occasion swallows them. It has been since 2002. The hunger is becoming desperation, and desperate Brazil is either terrifying or tragic. Sometimes both in the same match.

Colombia: the neutral’s dream

Group K, with Portugal, Uzbekistan and DR Congo. If you only adopt one South American team this tournament, Colombia is the romantic choice. They play with joy, the diaspora brings the best atmosphere outside the stadium, and in James Rodríguez’s heirs they always produce one player who makes you gasp. Colombia against Portugal is one of the group stage’s heavyweight fights. Do not miss it.

Uruguay: three million people, zero fear

Group H, alongside Spain, Cape Verde and Saudi Arabia. Uruguay is the great miracle of world football: a country smaller than New Zealand that has won two World Cups and ruins someone’s tournament every four years. They are coached by Marcelo Bielsa, a man Leeds fans still light candles for, and they press like their grandmothers’ honour depends on it. Uruguay vs Spain is a genuine classic of styles. New Zealanders should study Uruguay closely: they are the proof that population is not destiny in this sport.

Ecuador: the most underrated team in the tournament

Group E, with Germany, Ivory Coast and Curaçao. Listen to me carefully: Ecuador are good. Properly good. A golden generation built on athleticism, altitude-hardened qualifying campaigns and exports to the Premier League. Germany will be favourites in that group, but Ecuador will not blink. My dark horse for the quarterfinals, and I have receipts for previous predictions.

Paraguay: the cult pick

Back at a World Cup after a long absence, and nobody suffers more beautifully than Paraguay. Defensive, stubborn, proud, allergic to entertainment, and absolutely capable of parking themselves into the second round while better teams go home. Every World Cup needs a villain you secretly love. Here they are.

The missing guest

You will notice Chile is not on this list. I noticed too. I wrote about it in Spanish, with my heart in pieces, and I am not ready to discuss it again in English. Next question.

Six teams, one continent, and at least one of them in the final. That is not patriotism, that is statistics: South America has reached the final in most modern World Cups, and the champions are from Buenos Aires. Adopt one. You have until June 11 to choose.